Castiel doesn't understand these feelings deep inside him. He wants Dean, but angels aren't supposed to want anything are they?
Something I want Chapter 01
Castiel felt this new feeling burn inside of him as he watched Anna kiss his Dean. He had never felt like this before, it was something new. Starting in the pit of his stomach and spreading through the rest of his body and turned to anger. Looking away from the couple, he realised he didn't like it at all. This was a feeling he absolutely didn't like.
Anna said she was ready to be taken away, and Castiel told her he was sorry. He was sorry. Anna used to be his superior. He respected her and didn't want to her to die.
"No. you're not. Not really. You don't know the feeling." The words cut him like a knife. She didn't know what she was talking about. It was true that most angels don't feel anything other than love for their Father. He, however, was an angel that could feel emotions. Usually they were shielded by his grace and all the human feelings would be filtered into heavenly feelings but since he rescued Dean from hell, he'd been able to feel the human feelings without this shield.
"Still, we have a history. It's just –" He forced the words out, he didn't want Uriel to know about this. He would definitely go to their superiors and have him removed from Earth and he couldn't risk it.
Castiel was distracted when the demons came. He should have been able to defeat Alistair within seconds but he couldn't. His thoughts were on Dean, making sure he would survive this. The demons had him pinned against the wall, he couldn't move and was about to be send back to Heaven. Relief shot through him when Dean used a crowbar to attack Alistair.
He had wanted to talk to Dean before going back to Heaven but he was unable as Anna regained her grace and he had to go after her, for orders were orders. Together with Uriel he left, leaving the Winchesters and the demon alone.
It took him two weeks before he returned to Dean. The compulsion to see Dean had been growing stronger and stronger the more time he was away from the hunter and eventually he couldn't resist anymore. When he arrived at the motel the brothers were staying, he noticed that both of them were asleep.
He took a moment to study the sleeping older hunter. The hunter was relaxed in sleep, for once he didn't dream about the tortures in hell. His chest was slowly rising up and down with every breath he took. This calm that surrounded the hunter was something new. Did that mean Anna meant more to Dean then simple comfort for the night?
Castiel had seen Dean with countless women before but never did they have an effect like this on the hunter. Usually the peacefulness would last as long as the encounter and afterward it would be gone. This time, however, the calmness stayed.
What was it about Anna that had captured Dean so? The angel couldn't understand it. He was shaking out of his reveries when Dean moaned out loud. He wasn't sure if it was in pain or not but it wasn't until his name left the hunter's lips that he took a look inside the dream. He saw his vessel fighting Alistair but this time Dean wasn't able to save him. Intrigued, he watched the scene play out, a light appeared before his vessel fell motionless to the ground. He watched as Dean's face crumbled as he stared at the unconscious form.
Interesting, he thought as he carefully watched the emotion play over the hunter's face as he witness his demise. There was anger, resentment, sadness, guilt and worry. Were all these emotions meant for him? He couldn't decipher what it meant.
Unconsciously he had taken a few steps closer to Dean and was about to touch his face; when the hunter's eyes opened, he realised what he was about to do and quickly disappeared before the hunter could focus on him.
Dean awoke from his nightmare; annoying how, when he didn't dream about Hell, he'd had some other nightmare which would wake him up on the middle of the night making it unable for him to fall asleep again. He opened his eyes and thought he saw the familiar shape of Castiel, but once he focused on his surroundings the angel was no where to be found. Weird, he thought as he sat up. Didn't I just hear the flutter of wings or am I going insane? He shook his head, trying to clear his thoughts.
He doesn't remember when his feelings for the angel started to change. In the beginning he was just another dick who he certainly didn't care for. Then after their very disturbing chick-flick moment on a park bench one day he realised the angel may become his friend but then things had started to happen and he knew that he and the angel couldn't become friends. It was all very simple for him, the angel was his handler and he was just an agent they could boss around. Of course, never without a fight.
Somewhere between the sitting on the bench to now his feelings for Castiel had changed. When Alistair tried to send Castiel back to Heaven, fear had taken over his heart. For some reason he didn't want the angel to go. Searching around for something, he found a crowbar and hit Alistair with it, knowing it probably wouldn't do much good. Luckily the demon released the angel and advanced on the hunter. He breathed out a sigh of relief, Castiel was all right and Alistair was coming after him now.
Even though he was still angry at the angel for wanting to kill an innocent girl, even thought she had been an angel, he didn't want to loose him. Somehow that thought had scared him. But as he said, he was still angry at the angel and told him to go after Anna, hoping to get some distance between them. He needed to figure out what all this meant.
Luckily for him, he hadn't seen the angel for two weeks now, but he still hadn't been able to figure out what the angel meant to him. He didn't want to see the angel hurt; he cared for him, that much he knew.
When Dean had spend the night with Anna, he'd been looking for comfort, or maybe comfort her; he wasn't sure which. Maybe both. She had touched the mark on his shoulder and somehow he felt as if he was cheating on Castiel… He didn't understand it for he was not involved with the angel. Hell! He didn't even want to be involved with him…did he?
He remembered when Uriel had told him that Castiel liked him… He had felt a slight flutter in the pit of his stomach, as if the words should mean more to him than what they stood for. Knowing Castiel only liked him because he was his charge didn't stop the slight hope that coursed through him with those words; hope that the angel might like him because of who he is.
Dean shook his head; that wasn't likely to happen. The angel was only here for orders, he'd said so himself. Besides, who was he kidding, the angel didn't feel anything. Anna had said as much; when Castiel had said he was sorry, Anna had responded with a ‘not really, you don't know the feeling'. Castiel had acknowledge it by replying, ‘still we had history…' Not denying that he could feel emotions. Yet, something about the angels demeanour told him differently. Often he would glimpse a flicker of emotion going over the angels face, did that mean anything or was what Anna told him the truth?
He shook his head, he wasn't going to get any answers now anyway. Standing up, he walked over to the bathroom to take a shower. Maybe this will clear his head of certain celestial creatures…
Dean stepped out if the shower, towel slung over his waist. The shower hadn't helped clearing his thoughts but at least he had taken a moment to think everything through.
He was about to walk to the door when his path was suddenly blocked. Jumping away, he looked up. Relaxing when he saw who it was. "Jesus, Cas, cant you knock…"
"I'm sorry," the angel apologized.
Dean cocked his head. Something was wrong, the angel has never apologized before. "What's wrong with you?" He asked as he studied the angel.
He noticed the angel's eyes traveling all over his body. He knew he had a great body and wasn't ashamed of it but something in the angel's gaze was unsettling him. A slight flush appeared on his exposed body and he was angry at himself for being embarrassed.
Castiel opened his mouth but quickly closed it again. Before Dean could say anything else the angel disappeared.
"Goddamnit Cas!" he shouted at the now empty room. "I hate it when you do that!"
Dean drowned the rest of the whisky bottle. For once his dreams weren't haunted by hell but now they were hunted by a certain angel…and not the one he had already slept with. Of course she wasn't an angel at that point but that's not the point. The point is that his dreams, once more, made certain he wasn't able to sleep and it was pissing him off.
It was weird dreaming about the angel this way, especially because he didn't like the angel, right? Nothing seemed to make sense anymore, except for the now empty bottle in his hand. Angry to find it so, he threw it away right into a certain angel.
"You again?" Dean asked, his speech slightly slurred. "It's all your fault, you know?" He continued, angrily as he took a step closer to the angel. "You're all high and mighty. ‘I'll smite you as soon as you try anything' and all I want to do is throw you against the car and…" Dean's eyes widened as he realized what he had said and bit his tongue to stop talking. Shit, since when did I became so talkative?
When the angel just stared at him, Dean couldn't take it anymore. "Fuck it," he swore, took a step back before turning around and walking away.
Castiel reacted in the same moment and took hold of Dean's arm before crashing him against his car. Slightly lowering his head, he took the hunter's lips in a crushing kiss.
Although the kiss was clumsy and inexperienced, it was all too damn perfect for the hunter and eagerly kissed Castiel back. Hands started roaming over each other's bodies, drawing them even closer together.
Dean's hand travelled up and played with the hairs on the angel's neck, making him shiver in turn. The hunter slowed the kiss down as he showed Castiel how to kiss. Eventually Castiel got the hang of it, making Dean moan into his mouth and went weak in the knees.
The moan brought Castiel back to earth and quickly pushed himself away from the hunter; confusing and lust shining from his eyes. Before Dean could ask him to explain himself, he was gone, leaving Dean cursing the hell out of him.
Dean contemplated the emotions he had seen on the angels face. Weren't angels not supposed to feel anything? Then how come he'd seen those two emotions clearly reflecting in the blue orbs. Everything about this confused the hunter. What was it the angel wanted, if he wanted something at all. Why did the angel keep playing this game with him? For once he just wanted the angel to give him a honest answer without telling him only half truths. It was then that he decided to summon the angel and demand some straight answers. But first he needed to sober up.
The next day, Dean tried calling for Castiel but the angel didn't show. After 6 days he was sick of being ignored and used the summoning ritual he and Bobby had used to summon the angel once before. It took Castiel an hour to arrive. His demeanor told Dean he was pissed of by being summoned but the hunter couldn't care.
"About time you got here," he said, angrily.
"I do not have time for this, Dean," the angel responded, calmly.
"Well, tough," the hunter replied. "If you had answered me when I called you, I wouldn't have had to summon you."
"I've told you before, I am not here to perch on your shoulder. There's a war going on and I am required to fight."
"I don't care," Dean responded, selfishly. "I want some straight answers and I want them now."
Both, hunter and angel, stared at each other for a moment until Dean broke the silence.
"I want to know why you kissed me," he told the angel.
"Surely you know why people kiss, Dean," Castiel responded.
"yeah, people. I want to know why you kissed me."
For a moment the angel looked away as if trying to figure out what to see. "I wanted to," the angel answers, "but I do not understand it…"
His confused and innocent gaze met Dean's. As an angel he isn't used to wanting things, especially not things for his own. Yet he wanted Dean and his kisses. Damn, how he had enjoyed those kisses. That was another thing, he never enjoyed anything. The only emotion he understand was the love he had for his Father and, now, for Dean – but that love was changing into something else and he didn't understand it.
Everything was so confusing, he wasn't supposed to feel anything! He was an angel of the Lord! Angels don't feel anything but serenity and love for their creator. Why then did the hunter raise so many emotions from deep within him. Emotions he couldn't decipher.
Everything had changed since he rescued Dean from perdition. These emotions were tense, almost tearing him apart yet he didn't want to part with most of them. Like this love he felt for the hunter, and this other emotion. One where he wanted to kiss Dean again. It was intense, begging him to claim those lips again. He didn't understand why he felt the need to do so.
But there was one thing he was certain of. A union such as theirs wasn't accepted by the host of Heaven. They couldn't continue this…whatever it was.
Dean took a step closer, trying to kiss him again but the angel stepped away from him. "Dean, we can't," he began but stopped when their lips met.
"Why not?" Dean asked between kisses.
"It's forbidden," Castiel gasped against those sweet lips before they pulled away.
"It's forbidden?" Dean repeated and took a step back. "That's just great! Why didn't you tell me? Great! I'm going back to hell!" The hunter was fuming.
"You won't go back to hell, I won't allow it," Castiel told him fiercely.
"Oh yeah? Weren't you the one who threatened to throw me back a while back?"
Castiel had the decency to look embarrassed before responding. "I didn't mean it," he swallowed as he thought back to that fateful day. "I had lost half of my garrison, some who were close friends…" he trailed off, not able to continue.
"And you think I'm just going to believe that?"
"No, Dean, I don't think that," the angel answered resigned. For why should the hunter believe him? He was nothing but a ‘heartless, son of a bitch' as Dean so delicately put it.
"Shit, Cas," Dean let out after a moment of silence. "What have we gotten ourselves into?"
The angel didn't reply so Dean continued. "I want you Cas, like I never wanted anyone before. I constantly think about you, and not to turn into a chick or anything, but I also worry about you. I can't help how I feel…" he took a step closer to the angel and caressed his cheek. "And neither can you. They can be against us for as long as they want but they can't keep us apart," Dean told him passionately.
"They can, Dean, and they will. As soon as they find out they'll tear us apart."
"Then we make sure they don't find out." Dean claimed those lips as his own again before continuing. "Haven't you noticed anything about this place?"
At the angel's blank look he elaborated. "This place won't be able to be found by angels. The only reason you are here is because I summoned you." Castiel took a moment to concentrate, it was true he couldn't sense any of his fellow brothers. "Little something Anna taught me."
Was Dean's only explanation before pressing his body closer to the angel to kiss him again.
"Dean," Castiel moaned into the kiss. How he wanted this! The turmoil within him wasn't witnessed by the hunter as the angel kept kissing him. It was when Dean's hands started to run down his back that he made a decision. Slamming Dean against his beloved Impala, he let the hunter know what he had decided.
"Are you sure?" Dean asked, breathlessly.
"Yes," Castiel answered. Seeing the doubtful look on the hunter's face, he continued. "I have free will, Dean, and I choose you."
Emotions were building up within the hunter. Not one for chick-flick moments, he pulled the angel closer and kissed him, passionately. Tonight they had each other and tomorrow they'd face the world…together.
27 October 2009